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[♪]
2
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My dear doctors,
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it is indeed a pleasure
to welcome you here
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for the beginning
of your practice.
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This letter states
that in this group,
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there are three of you
who are not overly bright,
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but were graduated because you
had been in the senior class
8
00:01:04,950 --> 00:01:07,450
too many years.
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Your identity
I shall keep secret
10
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and will disclose
to no one
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on one condition:
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that you try hard
and forever devote your lives
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to the glorious cause
of duty and humanity.
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ALL:
We will.
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Hello, doc. How are ya?
Glad to see ya.
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Spread out.
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GRAVES:
Do you hereby solemnly swear
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to devote the rest
of your lives
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to the cause of duty
and humanity?
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ALL:
For duty and humanity.
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And remember!
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When you hear your call
come over the loudspeaker,
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rush immediately
to answer,
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as seconds mean lives.
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ALL:
Yes, sir.
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MAN [OVER P.A.]:
Calling Dr. Howard,
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Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
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Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
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[WHOOPING]
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[CURLEY WHOOPING]
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MAN:
Dr. Howard, report to Room 66,
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Dr. Fine, Room 72,
Dr. Howard, Room 83.
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Rooms 66, 72, 83.
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66 over.
72 over.
83 over.
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MAN:
Sixty-six, 72, 83.
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On Track 13,
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all aboard for Philadelphia,
Chicago and points west.
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MAN:
Emergency call. Emergency call.
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Sixty-six, 72, 83.
Calling all cars.
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Calling all cars.
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[WHOOPING]
Calling all cars.
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MOE and LARRY:
Calling all cars!
Calling all cars!
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Come on. Get going.
Come on, there.
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Calling all cars.
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[BLOWING WHISTLE]
46
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Oh, a wise guy, eh? I've got a
good mind to hand you a ticket.
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Where's your driver's license?
48
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Spread out.
49
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Pull over to the curb, you.
I want to talk to you.
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Open your mouth.
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What's your name?
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[MUFFLED]
Anna Conda.
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On account of what?
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No, no. Just Anna Conda.
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Anna Conda.
Anna Conda.
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Anna Conda,
95 and an eighth.
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Anna Conda,
95 and an eighth.
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That's awfully low,
doctor.
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Yeah, we ought to sell.
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Sell 100 Anna Conda
at 95 and an eighth.
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100 Anna Conda sold.
Come on, get going, folks.
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Get going.
Get out of here.
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[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Put your thumb out on turns.
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Break it up.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
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Hurry it up.
Come on.
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[CURLEY WHOOPING]
67
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Ohhh, cutie pie.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Get off
of that carriage.
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No.
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Get off
of that carriage.
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Come on.
Get out of here.
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Get out of there.
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Take this carriage out.
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I'll take it
when I'm ready.
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Are you ready?
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Yeah, I'm ready.
All right.
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[GIGGLING]
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Oh, Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
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Is it true that an apple a day
keeps the doctor away?
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[GIGGLES]
83
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Yes, that's true.
84
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Well, then, why don't
the patients eat an apple a day
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and save hospital expenses?
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[GIGGLES]
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Pardon me if I laugh.
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[LAUGHS]
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That's a pippin.
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Oh, I know
what a pippin is.
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You do, eh?
What's a pippin?
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A-a pippin is an apple
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with its skin
on the outside.
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[GIGGLES]
95
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Did you ever see an apple
with the skin on the inside?
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Oh, sure I did.
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[GIGGLES]
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You did?
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Uh-huh.
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Where?
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In homemade apple pie.
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[GIGGLING]
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MAN [OVER P.A.]:
Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine,
Dr. Howard.
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[WHOOPING]
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Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
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Dr. Howard, report to Room 66.
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Dr. Fine, 72. Dr. Howard, 83.
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Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine,
Dr. Howard,
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report to Dr. Graves' office.
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Hello, captain.
Did you send for us?
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00:05:08,660 --> 00:05:11,160
Yes. How'd you find
that patient in 66?
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Under the bed.
113
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How'd you find
the patient in 72?
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Up on the chandelier.
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What'd you do
for him?
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Nothin'.
What'd he ever do for us?
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What are you working here for?
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ALL:
For duty and humanity.
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MAN:
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
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[WHOOPING]
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MOE:
Giddyup, Julius.
Giddyup, Julius.
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[BELL CLANGING]
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Giddyup, Julius.
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MAN:
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
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What is it?
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MAN:
There is a messenger boy
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down in the lobby
to see you.
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Send him up.
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Here I am.
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What service.
Give us the message.
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Can't.
Seventy-five cents, collect.
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Who's it from?
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It's from a dame
by the name of Nellie.
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ALL:
My girl.
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What does she say?
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She says she loves all three,
but she'll marry the one
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that does the greatest thing
for duty and humanity.
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ALL:
Thanks.
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Hey.
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How's about my money?
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I'll tell ya. We'll toss for it.
Pay you double or nothing.
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Yeah, he'll call it
because he's tongue-tied.
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That'll make it
easier.
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Uh, have you
got a coin?
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Yeah.
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That'll really
make it easier.
147
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What is it,
head or tail?
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[MUMBLES]
149
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What?
150
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:52,930
[MUMBLES]
151
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Is that it?
152
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Certainly.
153
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Oh, then you lose. We'll split
this three ways, fellas.
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You tellin' me?
Just a victim of circumstance.
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How is she, doctor?
156
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A slight hope.
157
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That's too bad.
What's the matter?
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She's in a coma.
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I am not. I'm in a bed.
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Gee, the joint is haunted.
161
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How old are you?
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I'm 35.
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Nah, you couldn't get
that fresh in 35 years.
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Lay down.
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Gimme that--
That thing there.
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Yeah.
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Can't live till morning.
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♪ Ba-ba-ba-boo
Ba-ba-ba-boo ♪
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Just a minute.
Just a minute.
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What do you gentlemen
know about medicine?
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Why, we graduated
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with the highest temperatures
in our class.
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[SCOFFS]
Some class.
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You said it, kid.
Some class.
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What're you
trying to do?
176
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,330
Why, you don't even know
177
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how to deliver
a proper anesthetic.
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00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,790
Boys, give the doctor
a little anesthesia.
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[CLANGS]
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A winner every time.
No blanks.
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00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,720
Say, doctor, do you really think
I'm gonna get better?
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I'm very sorry,
but I'm afraid you are.
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Oh, thanks, doctor.
184
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You don't know
how I really appreciate it.
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00:08:26,310 --> 00:08:29,310
Doctor!
We're mighty proud of you.
186
00:08:29,310 --> 00:08:31,810
You've done a wonderful thing
for humanity.
187
00:08:31,810 --> 00:08:34,310
And when we leave here,
we're going right down
188
00:08:34,310 --> 00:08:35,820
to the president's
office and--
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We won't say
a word about it.
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What's the matter?
What are you buttin' in for?
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MAN:
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
192
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Report
to Dr. Graves' office.
193
00:08:51,550 --> 00:08:54,550
Remember our oath
for duty and humanity.
194
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Get goin'.
195
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[WHISTLES]
196
00:09:11,070 --> 00:09:13,150
Right away.
Colonel, did you call us?
197
00:09:13,150 --> 00:09:15,150
Yes.
And just another thing.
198
00:09:15,150 --> 00:09:16,660
Uh, uh, hello?
199
00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:19,160
Hello. Hello. Hello!
200
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,160
Hello.
201
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,660
Don't let that body go out of 84
until the bill is paid.
202
00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:24,160
I ain't got no body.
203
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,160
Yes. It's in 84.
204
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,170
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Hello?
205
00:09:27,170 --> 00:09:28,530
Yes, yes!
206
00:09:28,530 --> 00:09:30,620
Yes.
207
00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:32,620
The line's busy.
208
00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:34,620
Say, there's nobody
on your line.
209
00:09:34,620 --> 00:09:36,130
I know,
but I'm expectin' a call.
210
00:09:36,130 --> 00:09:38,380
GRAVES:
Just a minute!
211
00:09:38,380 --> 00:09:40,460
Go to Room 81. There's
a dangerous patient, and hurry.
212
00:09:41,930 --> 00:09:42,930
Hurry.
213
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:44,430
Don't get nervous.
214
00:09:44,430 --> 00:09:45,940
The patient ain't goin'
no place.
215
00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:46,720
Hurry!
216
00:10:18,970 --> 00:10:22,560
That is the momentous question.
217
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,060
I once asked Hamlet,
218
00:10:25,060 --> 00:10:28,060
and he made
this suggestion.
219
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:30,060
He said,
"Go for a walk,"
220
00:10:30,060 --> 00:10:32,010
and I met a dog.
221
00:10:32,010 --> 00:10:35,100
[GROWLING, BARKING]
222
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,110
[HISSING]
223
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:46,860
[SPITS]
224
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,370
Water.
225
00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:53,120
Water!
226
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,540
Water.
227
00:10:57,540 --> 00:10:59,630
Fellas, let's give him
some medicine.
228
00:10:59,630 --> 00:11:01,960
Oh, yes.
229
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,550
Annaponatag.
230
00:11:03,550 --> 00:11:05,550
Sederscram.
Sederscram.
231
00:11:05,550 --> 00:11:07,050
Bolsiax.
Bolsiax.
232
00:11:07,050 --> 00:11:09,050
Senakonapon.
Senakonapon.
233
00:11:09,050 --> 00:11:10,550
Enot.
Enot.
Enot.
234
00:11:10,550 --> 00:11:12,060
Set?
That's it.
235
00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:25,570
Voila.
For duty and humanity.
236
00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:29,070
PATIENT:
Rats!
237
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,380
You know,
once I was crazy.
238
00:11:34,380 --> 00:11:36,460
You see that button hole?
239
00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:39,080
Rats used to come
out of that.
240
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,170
As fast as they'd
come out,
241
00:11:40,170 --> 00:11:41,970
I'd grab 'em,
throw 'em down,
242
00:11:41,970 --> 00:11:43,550
and another one would come out.
Hey. Hey.
243
00:11:43,550 --> 00:11:45,550
You were-- You ain't well yet.
Why?
244
00:11:45,550 --> 00:11:47,060
There's another one
comin' out now.
245
00:11:47,060 --> 00:11:49,560
You take it.
I've got enough of 'em.
246
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,060
I'll be seein' ya.
247
00:11:52,060 --> 00:11:53,180
Look!
248
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:57,730
Great big, giant,
green canaries.
249
00:11:57,730 --> 00:11:59,820
Green canaries. Heh.
250
00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:04,070
[ALL YELP]
251
00:12:04,070 --> 00:12:06,530
[WHOOPING]
Agh!
252
00:12:14,030 --> 00:12:14,870
Aaaagh!
253
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,000
Move over.
You've got company.
254
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,090
Dr. Howard.
255
00:12:20,090 --> 00:12:21,590
[HICCUPS]
Dr. Fine.
256
00:12:21,590 --> 00:12:23,090
[HICCUPS]
Dr. Howard.
257
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,590
[HICCUPPING]
Her shoes are too tight.
258
00:12:24,590 --> 00:12:26,460
Her cold's breakin' up.
259
00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:29,050
Wait a minute.
Pitch that an octave higher.
260
00:12:29,050 --> 00:12:30,050
[HICCUPS]
261
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:32,130
♪ Oh-lee-oh-lay ♪
262
00:12:32,130 --> 00:12:33,140
[HICCUPS]
263
00:12:33,140 --> 00:12:34,140
♪ Oh-lay ♪
♪ Oh-lay ♪
264
00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:35,140
[HICCUPS]
265
00:12:35,140 --> 00:12:36,640
♪ Oh-lay ♪
♪ Oh-lay ♪
266
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:37,640
[HICCUPS]
ALL: ♪ Oh ♪
267
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,140
ALL: ♪ Oh-lee-oh-lay ♪
[HICCUPS]
268
00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:42,140
ALL: ♪ Oh-lay ♪
[HICCUPS]
269
00:12:42,140 --> 00:12:43,650
ALL:
♪ Oh-lay-ee-oh ♪
270
00:12:43,650 --> 00:12:45,150
[HICCUPS TWICE]
271
00:12:45,150 --> 00:12:47,150
MAN:
Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine,
Dr. Howard.
272
00:12:47,150 --> 00:12:49,990
[ALL HICCUPPING]
273
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:53,660
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
274
00:13:03,630 --> 00:13:05,720
Terrible disaster at the
oil wells. Twenty men injured.
275
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,220
Radium's the only thing
that will save their lives.
276
00:13:08,220 --> 00:13:09,720
Give us the radium,
we'll get goin'.
277
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,220
It's locked in the safe.
I can't get it.
278
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:12,730
Why not?
During the excitement,
279
00:13:12,730 --> 00:13:14,730
I swallowed the combination
to the safe,
280
00:13:14,730 --> 00:13:16,230
put a burning cigar
in my pocket.
281
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:17,730
You've got nothin'
to worry about.
282
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,730
But you don't understand.
The combination is in here.
283
00:13:20,730 --> 00:13:23,240
You still got nothin'
to worry about. We'll get it.
284
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,240
How?
285
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,740
We'll operate.
286
00:13:25,740 --> 00:13:26,740
Me?
Yeah.
287
00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:28,240
You?
Yeah.
288
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,780
No! No!
289
00:13:30,780 --> 00:13:33,860
Boys, give him the anesthetic,
290
00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:35,860
and see me in the
operating room later.
291
00:13:35,860 --> 00:13:37,370
[CHUCKLES]
292
00:13:37,370 --> 00:13:38,120
Give.
293
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:41,920
[MOANS]
294
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,380
[WHISPERING]
Everything's ready.
295
00:13:50,350 --> 00:13:53,350
[WHISPERING]
We'll make an incision
like this.
296
00:13:53,350 --> 00:13:55,850
[WHISPERING]
No. We'll make
an insertion like this.
297
00:13:55,850 --> 00:13:59,360
[WHISPERING]
No. We should make an excursion
like this.
298
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,650
Tic-tac-toe.
299
00:14:08,650 --> 00:14:11,950
MAN:
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
300
00:14:11,950 --> 00:14:13,030
[WHISPERING]
Shut up.
301
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,210
Shut up yourself!
302
00:14:16,210 --> 00:14:19,240
[WHISPERING]
Should I give him
more sodium amytal?
303
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,380
Nah. Give him a Coca-Cola.
304
00:14:21,380 --> 00:14:24,460
No, schnapps.
305
00:14:24,460 --> 00:14:25,410
Oh...
306
00:14:28,380 --> 00:14:29,890
Stop. We might cut him.
307
00:14:29,890 --> 00:14:31,390
What do you want me
to do, kiss him?
308
00:14:31,390 --> 00:14:32,470
Wait a minute.
309
00:14:32,470 --> 00:14:35,980
Let's plug him and see
if he's ripe. Heh-heh.
310
00:14:36,980 --> 00:14:40,100
Say, why are
we all whispering?
311
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,680
I don't know why
you're whispering,
312
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,600
but I lost my voice
asking for a raise.
313
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,900
[STOMPING AND YELLING]
314
00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:49,990
[ALL WHOOPING]
315
00:14:58,410 --> 00:15:00,000
[CHUCKLING]
316
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,000
[WHOOPING]
317
00:15:09,430 --> 00:15:11,430
Semmers.
Semmers.
318
00:15:11,430 --> 00:15:12,930
Semmers.
319
00:15:12,930 --> 00:15:13,930
Honeycomb.
320
00:15:13,930 --> 00:15:15,430
Honeycomb.
Honeycomb.
321
00:15:15,430 --> 00:15:16,930
Sinneterna.
322
00:15:16,930 --> 00:15:19,440
Sinneterna.
Sinneterna.
323
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,390
Annacannapooner.
324
00:15:20,390 --> 00:15:22,440
Annacannapooner.
Annacannapooner.
325
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:23,940
Annacannapooner.
326
00:15:23,940 --> 00:15:24,940
Oh.
Oh.
327
00:15:24,940 --> 00:15:26,890
Annacannapo--
328
00:15:26,890 --> 00:15:28,440
Shift.
One.
Two.
329
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,450
Three.
Four.
330
00:15:30,450 --> 00:15:31,950
Pinanalge.
Pinanalge.
331
00:15:31,950 --> 00:15:33,950
Annasinig.
Annasinig.
332
00:15:33,950 --> 00:15:36,450
Cotton.
Cotton.
333
00:15:36,450 --> 00:15:38,040
Cotton.
334
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,540
Cotton!
335
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,040
Apeere.
Apeere.
336
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,040
Onnag.
Onnag.
337
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,990
Shift.
Hike.
338
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,550
Sayers.
Jisit.
339
00:15:47,550 --> 00:15:49,550
Cotton.
340
00:15:49,550 --> 00:15:51,050
Cotton!
341
00:15:53,550 --> 00:15:55,050
Cotton.
342
00:15:55,050 --> 00:15:57,060
Cotton!
343
00:16:01,730 --> 00:16:03,810
[JACKHAMMER RUMBLING]
344
00:16:10,850 --> 00:16:12,320
There it is.
Ha-ha-ha.
345
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:13,860
He's got it.
He's got it.
346
00:16:13,860 --> 00:16:15,360
Needles.
Needles.
Needles.
347
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,860
[WHISPERS]
Needles.
348
00:16:25,370 --> 00:16:26,870
[THREAD SQUEAKING]
349
00:16:30,870 --> 00:16:32,380
[THREAD SQUEAKING]
350
00:16:35,930 --> 00:16:37,430
[WHISPERING]
Scissors.
351
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:38,430
Scissors.
Scissors.
352
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:39,930
Scissors!
353
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,800
Ah! Success.
Success.
354
00:16:49,110 --> 00:16:52,110
Where are the tools?
355
00:16:52,110 --> 00:16:53,610
The tools?
356
00:16:55,110 --> 00:16:56,450
Tools?
357
00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:59,030
[METAL CLINKING]
358
00:17:12,050 --> 00:17:15,550
MAN:
Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine,
Dr. Howard. Are you coming?
359
00:17:15,550 --> 00:17:17,890
[WHOOPING]
360
00:17:17,890 --> 00:17:20,510
Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine,
Dr. Howard.
361
00:17:20,510 --> 00:17:22,090
[MUTTERING]
362
00:17:22,090 --> 00:17:24,090
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
363
00:17:24,090 --> 00:17:25,590
[BEEPING]
Calling Dr. Howard,
364
00:17:25,590 --> 00:17:28,060
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
365
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:30,150
Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine,
Dr. Howard.
366
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,400
Agh!
367
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,990
Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine,
Dr. Howard.
368
00:17:33,990 --> 00:17:35,860
Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
369
00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:37,320
Where is that noise
coming from?
370
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,860
Where is it?
Where can it be?
371
00:17:38,860 --> 00:17:40,940
Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine,
Dr. Howard.
Look.
372
00:17:40,940 --> 00:17:42,660
MOE:
There it is.
373
00:17:42,660 --> 00:17:44,530
Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine,
Dr. Howard.
374
00:17:44,530 --> 00:17:46,610
[MOANS]
375
00:17:46,620 --> 00:17:48,420
They got me.
376
00:17:48,420 --> 00:17:51,500
[IN UNISON]
For duty and humanity.
377
00:17:53,010 --> 00:17:55,510
[♪]